Sunday, April 19, 2015

An open Letter to 12 yr old me

I understood the general concept of an open letter, but always just though it was redundant, because that's what a blog is. It's one big continuous open letter. However I looked up the original sources of open letters and they actually were letters typically of concern to individuals in civil service published by newspapers or distributed in some other mass form, in order to gather the attention of the masses probably in the hopes of stirring up an audience to make a change to some policy. 

Now this open letter is nothing like that. So maybe this' is in correctly titled. But I do want to address some things that 12 yr old me might have been concerned about. 

Dear 12 yr old Clary, 

Right now you're probably super concerned about 7th grade, you haven't got many friends and that's okay. You just don't fit in there at that school, rap music and general hip hop isn't your thing, booty shorts and making out with the other 11 yr old boys wasn't appealing, and general experimental drug use just appeared so wrong. It was, and  I'm grateful you aren't trying to force that stuff into your life. I will admit to you that when you grow up you'll develop an appreciation for the many different types of music. Yes, including country, but classical music most of all is what helps you get moving, and helps you feel the most alive, it's strange I understand but it's true.

You most likely feel like you're floundering with church friends too, The place that seemed like it should be your solace, the place you assumed you'd have common ground with others your age. Its true you were floundering, but chin up sweet girl, in your adult life you meet up again with many of those individuals you thought you would never connect with and they become some of your most cherished friends. its unfortunate that you have to go through this socially awkward time.

I won't say that when you turn 13 you gain any more friends then you have now, it would be a lie if I did. But I will say that while you thought you were only struggling, you were growing, and becoming someone quite incredible, resilience goes a long way. It pains me to remember how little you thought of yourself, and how concerned you were with what others thought of you. Again sweet girl, chin up. for the next 2 years you're only memorable friend was Mom, and maybe a handful of odds and ends people, but like I said they weren't memorable. Guess what, in general middle school friends kind of just stay there, in middle school. and you move on. High school will be awesome for you. You'll meet some prized people who will make such a difference in your life. you still live in a less then desirable area of town, no Mormon friends to cling onto, but you meet so many amazing individuals that respect your boundaries and you learn about their beliefs and cultures too. To this day you still need variety in your life, a predominantly LDS community is kind of scary because its uncharted territory for you.

If you came and lived with me for a little bit you would think I was a snob. I'm so embarrassed to admit it but you would. you'd take one sweeping glance around this apartment and scoff. 20 + pairs of shoes... I know I must seem ridiculous. All name brand cereals?? WHAAA?! I use expensive toilet paper?? forget it. and lastly the nail polish... you'd probably think It was an excessive amount and of too many different colors... but Nabeha is worst so there! I shop at target instead of wal-mart, and I have multiple pairs of pricey jeans... oh dear.  oh you probably noticed all the pictures. the ones of an older looking you smiling next to an un known looking bald man. 

Take a deep breath.
As is no doubt a huge shock to you, you don't end up with ANY of the boy's you have a crush on right now. None of them. I don't even know if any of them ever though you were pretty. 
I know this is what you're most concerned about, what your romance life will look like. 
I wish I could physically go back and bop you on the head and tell you to stop being so silly about love, but that might have adverse affects on where you end up so I'll stay put.  (at least thats what Hollywood tells us)
But love. lets talk about love. What I want to touch on first is your love for yourself. As mentioned before I know you thought very little of yourself, physically and personality wise. 
take another deep breath, 
smile once more. 

Your personality to this day is still an acquired taste for some. in general most people will connect with you instantly, others will need a little transition and warming up period. but really there is next to no one that you can't get along with. I think that's the most important thing you're developing right now at age 12 as a "loner girl". you're observing other people, lots of other people, you're watching how others interact, you're a sponge and currently absorbing all of this information that you will later use to your advantage. Somewhere around age 15 you look in the mirror one day and realize. you are beautiful. I know its unfair that there were so many girls in middle school that seemed to never go through that awkward body image period, however most people do. breath deep, you are beautiful. you're not thin, you're not text book "sexy", but you are a knock out in your own right!

Now on to romance, there is a cartoon comedy sketch done by a website called home star runner, there are 4 little girls who are ridiculous, but their most memorable comedy sketch is about one girl saying "I have a crush on every boy!" its true, you will love love. you will want it so badly that you feel like you always have a crush and its not always the same boy. once someone is taken off the market you have a little cry, you feel like its unfair and you move on, this becomes your M.O. until you fall in love for the first time. Funny thing was you weren't physically attracted to him in the beginning, and you know this feels different then all the times before. you finally begin understanding love, and not crush.  Unfortunately you don't end up with the first love, or the second or even the third, I can't even remember how many people we pin the title of love onto. Fortunately there was this one guy... and you weren't physically attracted to him at first either (this is also your M.O) and he didn't give you butterflies in the tummy, or the feeling of twitterpation, but he gave you a greater sense of feeling at home then any of the previous loves did. 

Take one last deep breath.
Smile one last time. 
you guys get married! 
He's so opposite of what you ever thought you would love in a person, and he's so wonderful at the same time. 
The two of you are working on your happily ever after, one bleak looking day at a time...

Now for a futuristic open letter to 26 year old me
Dear 26 year old Me, 
You're worried, stressed and everything else that induces nausea while thinking about the future,  but take a look at all the hope filled moments you are able to offer to 12 year old you. Think of how ridiculous you realized you were being through out your life. You've always been taken care of. Even when things have turned out to be the exact opposite of what you thought was good, a better end came from it.

Take a deep breath.


Everything is going to be fine. 


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